Dear Maddi: How do I balance space and connection when it comes to maintaining friendships?

Dear Maddi, 

I have trouble maintaining friendships because I get tired of people around me very quickly, even though my friends didn't do anything wrong. I don't know if I'm just afraid of becoming close to people, or that I simply need space. What suggestions do you have for me?

Signed, 

Balancing Space & Connection

Dear Balancing,

It’s truly insightful that you’ve recognized your need for space and want to better understand it. Friendship plays a big role in our happiness and well-being. Researcher Brené Brown says social connection gives our lives purpose and meaning; we are hardwired for it, and without it we suffer¹. At the same time, balancing personal space and social interaction can be a delicate dance. It’s especially tough when you feel like you need time to yourself, but don’t want to hurt people or push them away. 

Taking a step back to reflect on what is making you feel this way can give you valuable insight into your needs and boundaries. After all, maintaining friendships takes considerable time, energy, and communication². It is one thing to meet and make friends–and quite another to maintain, or even deepen friendships. As Aristotle said: Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit. 

Asking yourself why you feel the way you do may help you to approach your friendships with more clarity and intention. 

Time & Capacity

Many university students have little time for socializing as they juggle school, work, family, and personal commitments - along with potential cultural and/or religious involvements. As we get older, our responsibilities grow even more, making it harder to invest into friendships. 

Research shows it takes 50 hours to build a casual friendship, 90 hours to become real friends, and 200 hours to consider someone a close friend³. This can make committing time to friendships feel overwhelming, no matter what stage of life you are in.

The truth is, it’s okay to need space–it is not about rejecting relationships or cutting people off; it’s about creating space and trying to honor all of the competing priorities in your life.

Quantity & Quality

As life gets busier, our priorities shift and we tend to become more selective about relationships⁵. Unlike childhood friendships that are often based on proximity, adult connections are often rooted in shared values and experiences. It’s important to understand that people vary in their capacity for connection and we all have different emotional limits. 

We don’t always know where our boundaries lie until we feel stretched or overwhelmed. For example, if you’re pushing yourself to maintain relationships that don’t align with your needs, you might start feeling drained. If you feel more energized by time alone, the pressure to keep up with a network of friends can be draining. 

Rather than trying to please everyone, it is essential to recognize your unique boundaries. You might need to move some friends to an ‘outer room’ as life circumstances change⁶. If you are feeling stretched thin, but the basic need for connection stays the same–you might consider nurturing a smaller commitment to close, supportive friends who truly understand you and the ways you are able to show up in relationships.

Energy & Effort

What if the tension between craving connection and wanting to be left alone is real? It’s possible you don’t feel motivated to make new friends or to even see your good friends very often, but still want to maintain friendships. It’s important to remember that “every single person has the fundamental need for connection. It’s not like more introverted people don’t need meaningful relationships. What varies is how much and what kind of connection.”⁷ (Killam, 2024). Just as one friend prefers texting and another prefers calling, people like to connect in different ways.

For example, some people are overwhelmed by small talk and need time to recharge while others are energized by going to the proverbial cocktail party full of new people to meet. The former tend to make friends more gradually, whereas the latter are more likely to have ‘friends at first sight’ experiences. 

If you find spending time with friends is taking more energy than it gives, it may be helpful to know that you don’t need to be the life of the party to reap the benefits of friendship. Seek out people and places that you find comfortable and try initiating plans that you find restorative. 

Communication & Boundaries

Ultimately, the key to navigating relationships with clarity and authenticity is being honest with yourself about your emotional needs and communicating them openly with others. In fact, the quality of communication between two people significantly influences each person's desire for friendship with the other⁸. 

There may be times in life when you don’t have the capacity to show up for friends. In those times, let your friends know what you need and be honest about what you can give. Frame the conversation in a way that assures your friend that your need for space isn’t a reflection of your feelings toward them. By clearly communicating that you still care about them and will reconnect when you’re feeling more refreshed, you’ll help ensure that they don’t feel abandoned or rejected. We're using our words to cultivate intimacy as well as repair ruptures. 

Communication fosters trust and understanding which are essential components of any strong friendship⁹ - stating your personal needs for space in an honest and transparent way can prevent issues from escalating and damaging your relationships. 

When to consider professional help

If you continue to reflect and feel stuck in an unwanted pattern, it could be a sign that talking to a mental health professional might help. For example, you may want to:

• Explore your approach to social interactions to help you stretch out of your comfort zone.
• Explore how to create meaningful, healthy friendships given a change in your social context and life stage.
• Find clarity around how much of yourself you feel you owe to friendships.
• Reconcile the need for close connections with the urge to cancel social plans.

A mental health professional can help with these and other important questions. They can provide support and give you the tools to navigate relationships in a healthier, more balanced way.

Final Thoughts

While it may feel challenging at times, finding the right balance between giving yourself the space you need and nurturing the connections that matter most is entirely possible. When you honor your need for space and also make room for meaningful relationships, you can create a social life that is truly supportive and uplifting. 

Don’t be afraid to embrace your need for alone time and personal boundaries, or to get some professional help along the way. By doing so, you’ll build deeper, more authentic connections that are sustainable in the long term.

Written by Dr. Karon Dragon, guest author for Dear Maddi and Registered Psychologist at Counselling & Clinical Services. Edited by Suman Varghese Counselling & Clinical Services Satellite Psychologist for the Faculty of Arts and GPS.

Dear Maddi… welcomes submissions from students at the University of Alberta! Read more articles and submit your question online.

Resources

Articles:

• Dear Maddi: I Am Having Trouble Making Friends
• Dear Maddi: How Do I Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult
• 5 Skills for Making Friends as an Adult

• 6 Friendship Maintenance Tips
• The Easiest Way to Keep Your Friends

Books:

• "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" 
• "The Art of Saying No"

Podcasts:

• • Optimal Living Daily - This podcast provides practical mental health tips and discussions on maintaining healthy boundaries in your social life while still ensuring you get enough time to recharge and focus on yourself.
  • The Art of Charm - This podcast dives into topics of mental health, boundaries, and self-care. It's especially helpful for navigating social lives while ensuring your personal needs are met.

References

1 https://brenebrown.com/art/tgoi-connection/

2 https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/friendships/art-20044860

3 Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Associate Professor of Communication Studies Jeffrey Hall

4 https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/24/smarter-living/the-edit-how-to-make-friends.html

5 https://skooloflife.medium.com/the-evolution-of-friendship-across-different-life-stages-c46b1788a0cb

6 https://alexalexander.com/when-friendships-change/

7 The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health Is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier Hardcover – June 18 2024, by Kasley Killam

8  The Case for Communicating With Your Friends the Way You Would a Romantic Partner 

9 Friendship chemistry: An examination of underlying factors