Dear Maddi: How do I talk to women when I come from a conservative culture?
Maria Kim - 13 September 2024
Credit: Adobe Stock
Dear Maddi,
How do I reconcile with Canadian customs? I come from a rather conservative background where boys and girls were mostly kept apart. I have absolutely no clue as to how to talk to or approach women (as I have had negligible interactions with them in the past). Not only do I get intimidated by their openness / attitude, but also sort of find myself staring at their outfits, which is downright wrong and creepy. I have a number of times felt a certain attraction towards them and would very much like to develop a cordial, respectful and healthy attitude towards women. What to do? How do I cultivate a healthier perspective that is not misogynistic? I am too embarrassed to confide in someone, even my therapist.
Sincerely,
Mr. Ghost
Dear Mr. Ghost,
First off, kudos for taking the time to reflect on your experiences and reach out for guidance. Your willingness to explore these feelings is courageous. Transitioning from a gender-segregated culture to Canada’a mixed-gender environment can be a big shift. It’s completely natural to feel unsettled or overwhelmed in unfamiliar social dynamics and when you’re interacting with individuals of a different gender. The good news is that research shows this kind of cultural transition often leads to meaningful personal growth. A study on Saudi Arabian students in Australia found that while they faced initial challenges similar to yours, they also reported significant personal development and a deeper understanding of themselves as they adjusted to their new environment (Alhazmi & Nyland, 2012). So, while it might feel daunting right now, it’s also an opportunity for self-discovery and growth.
Understanding ‘Culture Shock’
First off, let’s talk about cultural scripts. Cultural scripts act as mental frameworks that outline expectations and guide behavior to help us navigate social interactions. Basically, they are the unwritten rules and expectations we grow up with. You can think of them as the invisible playbook that tells us how to behave in different social situations (Alksnis, Desmaris, & Wood, 1996; Kuperberg & Padgett, 2015; Rose & Frieze, 1993). When you move to a new culture with different norms, these scripts can clash, making things feel confusing or awkward.
When it comes to dating, Canadians typically dive into the dating scene earlier and experience more relationships with fewer restrictions compared to their peers from more gender-segregated cultures. In many Western cultures, people see dating and physical affection as personal choices and prioritize openness and individual freedom. These norms contrast sharply with cultures where dating practices are more regulated or heavily influenced by family expectations. For example, in some Eastern cultures, arranged marriages or strong parental input in romantic decisions are common, reflecting a very different set of values toward love and relationships (Madigan & Blair, 2024). These cultural scripts shape how people approach dating and romantic interactions, showing how context-dependent and diverse these practices can be across the world!
Another major difference lies in communication styles. In Western cultures, direct and explicit communication is the norm. In Canada, children are encouraged from a young age to clearly express their thoughts and feelings. On the flip side, other cultures around the world rely on indirect, non-verbal communication, where much of what’s understood is left unsaid. These are also known as high-context & low-context cultures, respectively (Lee, 2014). This shift can be jarring—imagine moving from a culture where everything is implied to one where being direct is expected!
To get a sense of how other international students feel about dating in North America, check out this article from NYU.
Making Change
Now that we’ve acknowledged just how hard the adjustment is, let’s take a look at some strategies to help.
It’s great you want to learn to have a healthy attitude toward women. Here are few ideas you can reflect on to help in that process:
- Equality and Respect: Treating everyone with equality and respect is fundamental to healthy relationships. I believe the concept of sonder—the realization that each person you encounter is living a life as vivid and complex as your own, even if you are just a fleeting presence in their story—captures this beautifully. By recognizing the depth and complexity of others' lives, we can approach interactions with greater empathy and understanding, ultimately promoting a more respectful and equitable environment.
- Challenging Stereotypes: It will also be helpful to challenge gender stereotypes.This process involves educating ourselves and also requires us to address our own biases. By reflecting on our beliefs and preconceived notions, we can broaden our understanding and adopt healthy attitudes.
- Cultivating Empathy and Understanding: It can be helpful to have conversations with people who are different from us to increase empathy and respect. Cultivating empathy involves listening to others and considering their viewpoints. Focus on what others are saying and try to see things from their perspective. This approach challenges your assumptions, builds compassion, and contributes to a more inclusive and supportive environment.
Along with learning to have a healthy attitude, it can also help to learn and practice social strategies. Active listening and respecting personal boundaries are essential skills to building healthy connections with others, especially in a Western context.
Here are a few ideas you can practice:
- Basic Interaction Tips: Simple gestures such as smiling, making eye contact, and understanding personal space are key to positive interactions with others!
- Respecting Personal Boundaries: Be mindful of other people’s boundaries, including their personal space. Always be attentive to verbal and non-verbal cues, and remember that “no” means “no” should be respected unequivocally.
- Learn to be an Active Listener: Active listening includes being present and focused on the person who is talking and showing interest in what they’re saying. You can repeat back their words and ask questions to show you are paying attention.
You might also find it helpful to learn more about Western dating norms. Here are a few tips on dating for international students from university students in the US.
If you want to feel more confident in your social interactions in general, you might want to read "The Social Skills Guidebook." If you’re not sure who to practice these social skills with, consider joining clubs or volunteer organizations. You could also consider social connection programs on campus such asUniTea. Get more ideas from our previous columns on making friends on campus and on managing anxiety when you meet new people.
Embracing Change and Self-Compassion
Lastly, it’s crucial to acknowledge your capacity to change. Learning new norms and unlearning old beliefs takes time and practice. Remember you have the ability to grow. Be kind to yourself in the process. You’re navigating a whole new world. Your willingness to seek guidance speaks volume about your commitment to your personal development and your desire to hold healthy attitudes toward women.
Warm regards,
Maria
Written by Maria Kim, Guest Author for Dear Maddi and Registered Psychologist for Counselling & Clinical Services. Edited by Suman Varghese Counselling & Clinical Services Satellite Psychologist for the Faculty of Arts and FGSR.
Dear Maddi… welcomes submissions from students at the University of Alberta! Read more articles and submit your question online.
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International Students - Dating in the U.S. | CalPoly
Gender Stereotypes | Gender Equality Law Center
Resources
References
Alhazmi, A., & Nyland, B. (2012). The Saudi Arabian international student experience: from a gender-segregated society to studying in a mixed-gender environment. Compare: A Journal of Comparative and International Education, 43(3), 346–365.
Alksnis, C., Desmarais, S., & Wood, E. (1996). Gender differences in scripts for different types of dates. Sex Roles, 34, 321-336.
Cheung, K. (2014). Tips for International Students' Success and Adjustment. International Student Experience Journal (ISEJ). Volume 2(1)
Kuperberg, A., & Padgett, J. E. (2016). The role of culture in explaining college students’ selection into hookups, dates, and long-term romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 33(8), 1070-1096.
Lee, Kin Cheung George. (2014). Tips for International Students' Success and Adjustment. International Student Experience Journal, 2(1).
Madigan, T. J., & Blair, S. L. (2024). Dating attitudes and behaviors of American and Chinese college students: A partial replication. The Social Science Journal, 61(2), 492–509.
Rose, S., Frieze, I.H. (1993). Young singles' contemporary dating scripts. Sex Roles,28, 499–509.