Dear Maddi: How can I tactfully prune “toxic” friendships?

Psychologist and guest author Shauna Rosiechuk discusses ways to evaluate a friendship and the importance of setting boundaries.

Shauna Rosiechuk - 22 March 2024

A student leans against a classroom window with a scowl.

Hear from psychologist and guest author Shauna Rosiechuk on ways to evaluate a friendship and the importance of setting boundaries. Photo credit: Adobe Stock

Dear Maddi:

How can I tactfully prune toxic friendships? I’m friends with this classmate who I’ve come to serve as a confidant, role model, and brother-like figure, but I am completely drained and cannot continue to offer my advice, time, and consideration to someone who is struggling with the same issues that are pushing me away. It’s come to a point where I have to change my school schedule (which throws it out of whack) all because of one person.

How can I navigate this so I may inflict the least damage and not have to sacrifice my own timetable/routine in the process?

Signed,

People Pleaser in Recovery

Dear People Pleaser,

Thank you for your letter. Research has shown our friendships can have a significant impact on our wellness throughout our lives. Many friendships start around a common interest or are based on physical proximity. They can be a great source of comfort, particularly in challenging times. Showing compassion and empathy for someone is a good thing. However, over time this can become draining, especially if it is not balanced or reciprocated. Many people have someone in their social circle who they feel ambivalent toward. People grow and change. Not all friendships will last. There are many reasons friendships end, and making the decision to end one can be difficult.

The term “toxic” has become a bit of a buzzword, and social media has a lot of content about removing toxic people from our lives. When we are irritated or hurt by someone else, it can be challenging not to make inferences about their character and label them as toxic. To be clear, if someone is maliciously harming your wellbeing, then you need to distance yourself from them. Personal safety is non-negotiable. But sometimes a person unintentionally hurts us when they are struggling. In these cases, it can be helpful to assess the relationship. Difficult friendships can be an opportunity to examine our own role in the dynamic as well as our agency. It can also give the other person a chance to explore and change their behaviour so the relationship can be repaired or even deepened.

There are actions you can consider before giving up on the friendship. Ask yourself the following questions to help you figure out what isn’t working and what to do next:

What specific behaviors or actions from your friend do you find problematic?
Does your friend know their behaviours are bothering you?
Do you need to set a boundary or have a conversation with this person?
Is your friend sensitive to your needs when you express them or do they ignore boundaries that you clearly set?
Is your friend going through a particularly hard time or transition?
Could their behavior be a cry for help?
Does the situation remind you of things that have happened in your own life?
How did you become friends in the first place?
Have there been positive aspects to this friendship?
How important is this friendship to you?
Do you feel the friendship is worth repairing?
What expectations do you have of your friend and are these expectations fair?
If the roles were reversed, how would you like to be treated?
What are you doing to foster your own self care?

After reflecting, you may have a better idea of what you need to do. Having a conversation with your friend can lead to a positive change in a friendship or it can be a step toward ending it. If you are feeling resentful, it likely means you are overextending yourself and need to set some boundaries. Boundaries convey how you want to be treated and what others can expect from you. They are not a means to control or change others. They help keep you and your relationships healthy. They can change over time. Boundaries (whether emotional, intellectual, physical, financial, etc.) vary depending on the level of friendship, culture, and the individuals involved. Establishing boundaries is a delicate process that can require patience, compromise. You may feel uncomfortable or guilty at first. Ongoing practice helps.

Communication is central to setting and maintaining boundaries in any relationship. Here are some dos and don’ts that might help you:

Be calm, specific, direct, and kind.
Do not assume someone else knows what you need (and vice versa).
If you choose to have a conversation, make it about how you are feeling about your interaction, using “I” statements versus “you” statements, and try to be brief. This option lessens the potential for miscommunication, allows you to share your feelings and needs, and provides an opportunity for your friend to express their thoughts and feelings.
Consider rehearsing your part of the conversation ahead of time.
Avoid using the word “toxic” which will not result in a productive conversation.
Share your hopes for the future. For example:
- Do you need to set guidelines around what you’re comfortable talking about or not?
- Do you need limits on how much time you spend together or how often?
- Do you need (temporary or permanent) space?
Be prepared to listen to hear what they have to say.
Avoid being hostile or argumentative, recruiting others to end the relationship for you, or seeking revenge.
Having a sense of your friend’s possible reaction and your own reaction can help you prepare for the outcome.

You may need to restate your boundaries more than once, particularly if there is pushback. It’s also important to uphold your boundaries by setting and communicating consequences if your boundaries are not respected. Remember that people need time to adjust their habits. Try to gain a sense of whether or not your friend is willing to invest their own effort in this process. If these actions don’t work or if you have decided you do not want to try and salvage the friendship, you may decide to take a step back.

Try to be kind and respectful if you do ultimately decide to end the friendship. While you do not want to intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings, sometimes this outcome is unavoidable. You can only take control of your part of the interaction. If you feel your friend may not be able to hear how their actions have impacted you, you may decide to say something along the lines of needing to focus on your own mental health. This may not be a quick or easy process. Navigating friendships can be complicated. Take time to engage in healthy activities that help you to rejuvenate. You may find it helpful to have some time and support to process your own feelings about the friendship for your own growth, focusing on what you learned. Acknowledging our own part in friendship is critical to identify and modify patterns so they do not continue in other relationships.

Written Shauna Rosiechuk, Registered Psychologist at Counselling & Clinical Services. Edited by Suman Varghese, Counselling & Clinical Services’ Satellite Psychologist.

Dear Maddi…welcomes submissions from students at the University of Alberta. Read more articles and submit your questions online.

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