Dear Maddi: How do I make friends as a mature student?

Registered Provisional Psychologist and guest author Chelsea Hobbs discusses how to navigate friendship when you’re older than your peers.

Chelsea Hobbs - 23 February 2024

A woman sits near a window in a darkened room, looking deep in thought. In this issue of Dear Maddi, psychologist and guest author Dr. Brittany Budzan discusses why change can feel so hard even when we know we need it.

In this issue of Dear Maddi, registered Provisional Psychologist and guest author Chelsea Hobbs discusses how to navigate friendship when you’re older than your peers. Photo credit: Adobe Stock

Dear Maddi,

I am a mature student and have had a difficult time making friends since everyone is so young. I want to network and connect with my classmates, but am not getting anywhere. Do you have any advice to overcome this hurdle?

Lonely

Dear Lonely, 

Most students want to make friends in university. Social relationships are an essential human need, and research shows that adult friendships contribute positively to your overall health, including physical health (Yang et al., 2015), mental health, and well-being (Pezirkiandis et al., 2023). However, making friends is not always easy, and when you’re older than most of your classmates, it can be even harder. It is important to know that making friends as a mature student can be difficult, and you are not alone!

First, consider the context you are in. Post-secondary campuses are geared towards the individuals who predominantly populate them, including the lives and lifestyles of emerging adults. A mature student’s life can be full of multiple life roles that set them apart from their younger classmates. These roles can include being a spouse and/or a parent, having an established career, and additional familial responsibilities and caregiving roles. Your life roles as a mature student can impede your ability to fully engage in campus life and cause you to miss opportunities to spend time and bond with your peers outside of class. For example, you are not likely to spend late nights studying in the library if you have to head home after class to cook dinner for your family or put the kids to bed. All this is to say that you are likely in a different life stage than many of your peers, and perhaps it is the context, not you, that is making it harder to make friends.

Instead of focusing on differences, try to find some common ground. While age and life experiences may be one thing that sets you apart from other students in your classes, you might consider focusing on your commonalities with them. A big one that comes to mind is that you are all students! Going to university can be challenging at any life stage. It is a big adjustment that impacts your location, workload, and how and where you spend your time. You and your classmates are having a shared experience of tough exams, quirky professors, and never-ending deadlines. Focusing on the shared nature of these experiences, at least at the beginning, may provide a foundation for deeper connections to form later on. 

Second, ask yourself what is the real barrier to your ability to make friends as a mature student? Is it really your age, or perhaps that you think your age is getting in the way? Getting clear on what hinders your ability to make friends is a great first step to solving the problem. 

Marisa G. Franco (2022) is an expert on making new friends as an adult. In her work, she highlights the paradox of people. On the one hand, we need people to satisfy some of our basic human needs. In other words, being connected to others is essential to our health. On the other hand, engaging with others can feel scary because of the potential that they can dismiss, reject, and ultimately harm us. If the thought of forming relationships with your classmates feels anxiety-provoking or scary, you may be approaching relationships in a fear-based way. Fear can negatively impact your ability to make friends with others and how they see you. Franco  also suggests that we often assume that others like us less than they actually do. In other words we are less likely to be rejected by others than we think. Keeping these ideas in mind, she suggests some important takeaways as we think about approaching others:

Assume people will like you. Not only is this assumption likely true, but if you interact with this belief, you will appear friendlier, warmer, and more open. It will increase opportunities for connection.

Check for covert avoidance. How are you showing up when you interact with classmates, and what have you done to try to engage with them? Franco suggests that some people show up physically but check out mentally. In other words, they avoid interacting and engaging with others even though they’re physically present. If you notice you’re silent or checked out, consider how you can show up differently and engage with your peers. Remember it takes effort. Making friends as an adult doesn’t happen as organically as it did when we were kids. No longer does proximity necessarily equate to friendship, and building and sustaining friendships requires effort. Many people find making meaningful adult friendships challenging, regardless of context! 

These suggestions ask you to think about your situation differently, be brave, and put yourself out there despite feeling like you can’t connect with others. You might start by initiating small talk at the beginning of a class or consider asking a classmate to study or go for a coffee. I would be curious to know how putting in some intentional effort, assuming others like you, and being the one to engage first might impact your relationships with your peers.

While you’re working on making friends, you may also want to ask yourself what you want out of these connections.

If you were hoping the connections with your peers would enhance your student experience, you might instead focus on the benefits of being a student. There are some great advantages to being a mature student, such as using your life experience to understand lectures differently and, sometimes, being able to connect quickly with professors and TAs. Also, it is an opportunity to take advantage of student discounts! Focusing on the benefits can help positively frame your experiences. 

You could also focus on maintaining and strengthening relationships in other areas. Some ways to improve your existing relationships include consistently investing time in them, expressing gratitude for them, and finding new ways to spend time with your friends. While school has likely impacted your ability to socialize and spend time with others, prioritizing existing relationships, with quality over quantity, can go a long way. 

There are many things to consider in my response, Lonely. My hope for you is that you can lean into the positive side of the paradox of people, regardless of what area of your life you choose to do this in. Suppose you can focus on similarities rather than differences, move away from fear and toward connection, and allow yourself to be vulnerable (and brave!) by putting yourself out there. In that case, I do not doubt your life will be full of increasingly meaningful relationships.

Sincerely,
Chelsea

Written by Chelsea Hobbs, Registered Provisional Psychologist and guest author for Dear Maddi. Edited by Suman Varghese, Counselling & Clinical Services Satellite Psychologist.

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