Dear Maddi: How can I worry less about what others think of me?

Dear Maddi,

How can I be less worried about what others think of me? - Overthinker

Dear Overthinker,

This is a great question that many students wonder about! 

It can first be helpful to understand why you might care about what others think. To put it simply, we are wired to care. Humans evolved to form social relationships and to live in groups because there is safety in numbers. In other words, belonging to a group is protective. Our brains perceive social rejection as a threat. Your brain’s number one job is to keep you safe, so it makes sense you’re concerned about doing or saying something that might get you ousted from the group. Not to mention feeling excluded is also incredibly painful. Neuroscience research has shown overlaps in physical pain and social pain neural networks (so yes, heartbreak does actually hurt).

Now take a moment to consider how you might behave if you didn’t care at all what others thought about you. It might make it more difficult to take others' perspectives and to empathize. You might be less attuned to how your behaviour and decisions impact others. Your concern about how others see you is a sign that you want and value closeness.

All of this to say there are good reasons to care what others think, and sometimes it can be an important part of maintaining meaningful relationships. 

In some cases however, you might spend so much time and energy worrying about what others think that it may stop being helpful and begin to get in the way. This might show up in a few different ways:

• Ruminating about past social interactions (lying awake at night and thinking about that thing you said that one time - sound familiar?)
• Avoiding speaking up or sharing an opinion, particularly if your opinion may be different from the group
• Having difficulty making decisions, or worrying about how others will perceive the decisions you make
• Feeling pressure to do things “perfectly”

 If any of these sound familiar, here are a few suggestions you might find helpful.

Ask yourself if you are mindreading: Are you making assumptions about what others are thinking about you without adequate evidence?

While we all engage in this to some degree (it can allow us to collaborate and cooperate effectively), unfortunately we are not always very good at predicting what others are thinking. For most people, their guesses about what others think of them tend to be overly negative. This comes in part from a negative thought bias (thanks brain!). While you can’t necessarily stop these thoughts from popping up, you can try to notice them in the moment and ask yourself if you actually have the evidence to support them. Also consider if there might be alternative explanations.

For example, imagine you went for coffee with a friend and they seemed more distant than usual. Perhaps you’re worried you said or did something to upset them and you assume they really don’t want to be friends anymore. You keep playing the conversation back over and over in your mind, and you can’t figure out what went wrong. This is where you might pause and ask yourself: “Am I mind reading?Do I have any evidence to suggest that my friend no longer likes me? Is there another possible explanation?” Perhaps you recall them sharing that they didn’t get much sleep and have an upcoming exam they are worried about. Could this be at least part of the reason they seemed more distant? Notice how considering alternative explanations can help relieve some of your worry.

Practice accepting that we can’t always know what others think of us: This one can be challenging, but the fact is, you might not always know what others are thinking about you. When this is the case, you can first check your assumptions (see above), and then remind yourself that in the absence of information, you can choose to accept and tolerate not knowing for sure. Worrying can make you feel like you have some control or can help you avoid unpleasant surprises. However, in most cases chronic worry just takes us away from our ability to be present and enjoy life, and leads to unnecessary suffering. For example, in the above situation, ask yourself if it is helpful to keep going through the scenario over and over again in your mind. Is there any new information to be gained? If not, notice this, and see if you can shift your attention back to the present or to something more important to you.

Get clear on your values: Although it makes sense that we care what others think of us, sometimes caring too much can lead to feeling stuck. Consider this example: during an in-class discussion, you want to participate and feel you have something to offer, but you are worried others might judge you for holding a certain opinion or think you don’t know what you are talking about. You feel unsure, and end up not saying anything, but later wonder if your classmates are judging you for not speaking up at all. When you are faced with a situation like this, knowing your values can give you an internal compass that can help to guide your decisions and actions. If you act in alignment with your values, you typically feel better about the decisions you make, whether or not others agree. In this example, if you hold values such as courage, learning, and authenticity, this might give you a reason to speak up and can serve as a buffer against potential judgment from others.

Consider whose opinion matters to you: When you are worried about what others think of you, whose perception are you concerned about? Is it strangers you pass by on the street or classmates you barely know? Or the people closest to you? Again, it makes sense to care what others think of you, but that does not necessarily mean caring what everyone thinks of you. It can be helpful to reflect on whose opinion matters to you and why. Perhaps you can identify a small group of close friends or loved ones that you respect. These people should know you and the kind of person you want to be (hint: they might also share your core values). These are the people you might seek and accept feedback from.

I’ll leave you with a quote from Brené Brown’s book, Rising Strong: When we stop caring what people think, we lose our capacity for connection. But when we are defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable.

Overthinker, I hope you find the courage to be vulnerable because I believe that it can both lighten the load of worry, and deepen your capacity for fulfilling and meaningful connections. All the best to you!

Sincerely,

Jasmine

Written by Jasmine Nathoo, Guest Author for Dear Maddi and Registered Psychologist for Counselling & Clinical Services and edited by Suman Varghese Counselling & Clinical Services Satellite Psychologist for the Faculty of Arts and FGSR.

Dear Maddi… welcomes submissions from students at the University of Alberta! Read more articles and submit your question online.

Here are some additional resources that you might find helpful:

Article:Why we are wired to connect

Article:How to stop worrying about what other people think of you

Article:Cognitive distortions in socializing

Article:Dealing with uncertainty

Website:Succeed Socially

Activity:Online values card sort exercise