Health And Wellness

How Can I Be Less Self-Conscious Around My Friends?

Psychologist and guest author Shauna Rosiechuk discusses strategies for overcoming social anxiety.

Maddalena Genovese - 21 October 2022

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In the latest edition of Dear Maddi, psychologist and guest author Shauna Rosiechuk discusses strategies for overcoming social anxiety. Photo by Matheus G.O on Unsplash.

Dear Maddi:

I’m having a hard time enjoying the moment. I’m always focusing on saying the right thing, looking the right way, and behaving correctly. I went for a walk with my friends  and nothing I said or did came naturally like it used to. When I meet someone new I envision how I want to portray myself but I overthink and feel like I mess it up. How can I prevent this?

Signed, Awkwardness 

Dear Awkwardness,

Thank you for your letter. You’re not alone! Feeling self conscious in social situations is very common. We have all felt we’ve said or done something cringeworthy at one time or another. Those uneasy feelings are likely due to a common type of bias in our thinking known as the spotlight effect. The spotlight effect refers to an individual’s tendency to believe that other people are taking much more notice of them than they actually are, as if there is a giant spotlight constantly on them. If you believe everyone is watching you, it can make you very self conscious. Then it becomes a challenge to be present, to focus on others or to even enjoy being around people. 

When we are overly self-conscious we also tend to be very self-critical. This distortion in our thinking can contribute to social anxiety. Young adults are particularly vulnerable to the spotlight effect. The reality is that other people typically don’t notice or care about the things we are very conscious of ourselves because they are too busy with their own lives. Knowing about the spotlight effect can help reduce its overall impact. 

The good news is that there are several things you can do on your own, or with the help of a professional, to help yourself and live life to the fullest. Some examples include:

  • Practice relaxation and mindfulness techniques such as box breathing, progressive muscle relaxation or other techniques to slow down your breathing, help reduce the physical symptoms of anxiety, and to keep you more grounded in the present moment, especially before engaging in social interactions. Use an app like MindShift, or check out this video to learn how to use your body’s natural way of slowing down to feel calmer when you are anxious. 
  • Limit or avoid caffeine as stimulants increase anxiety symptoms.
  • Engage in regular physical activity to help reduce and redirect some of the energy that would otherwise charge your anxiety. Exercise can also improve your overall mood.
  • Focus on learning about others by cultivating a curious mindset about them instead of staying stuck in your head. Instead of trying to figure out what other people think of you, be a good listener and shift your attention to what is going on around you rather than within yourself. People appreciate someone who is an active listener and is genuine in their interactions. It is easier to be authentic when you are not constantly censoring yourself. Check out this video on how redirecting your attention outwards can help you curb your anxiety. 
  • Practice your verbal and non-verbal communication skills. Talking about relatively neutral topics of common interest such as the weather, food, sports, school, pets, etc. are good conversation starters and can help you learn more about others. Let the discussion flow naturally. Put your phone away. Keep a relaxed posture with good eye contact. Ask open-ended questions (ie. “What do you like to do in your spare time?”) and share some information about yourself. Looking for more conversation starters? In her book We Should Get Together: The Secret To Cultivating Better Friendships, Kat Vellos offers hundreds of ideas on how to help you strengthen your friendships and move past small talk. 
  • Recognize that your negative thoughts are not facts. Reduce negative thinking by identifying any negative thoughts, checking if they’re actually true, and replacing your negative thoughts with more realistic and constructive thoughts. Is there any evidence for and against this thought? Is there any other way of looking at this situation? What can I do to deal with this situation? You can also consult this helpful module to challenge How I Think I Appear To Others by the Centre for Clinical Interventions. 
  • Practice gradually exposing yourself to social situations and use these experiences to help improve confidence in future social interactions. Avoiding social situations will only reinforce anxiety in the long term. Like any other skill, social skills improve with practice and repetition. Keep making efforts to connect with others. Start with what feels manageable. It might help to make  a list with different scenarios that range from easier to harder. Possible examples might include sending emails, giving someone a compliment, making small talk with a store cashier, or role playing with someone you trust. Want more ideas on how to do this gradually? Check out this module on creating a Behavioural Experiment Stepladder by the Centre for Clinical Interventions. 
  • Remind yourself of times when you feel relaxed and confident. Consider asking people who know you well to help you make a list.

People sometimes make common mistakes when using self-help strategies such as expecting quick or “perfect” results or trying to do too much too soon. Changing habits can take time. Remember that everyone experiences self-doubt at times. It’s not the end of the world to make a mistake or have an awkward moment. Remind yourself about the spotlight effect. Imagine how you would react if this was a friend or family member with the same issue and the roles were reversed. Be extremely cautious with using alcohol or other substances to cope as they can actually intensify feelings of anxiety. Using substances regularly to manage anxiety symptoms over an extended period of time also can eventually lead to problems with addiction. 

Lastly, after living through a pandemic with limited social interaction, some new or increased social anxiety is very common and completely understandable. It can feel extra daunting to socialize in bigger groups or with people you haven’t seen for a long time. You might feel out of practice!  We are all having to adjust to this change. Please be compassionate with yourself and with others at this time. Taking action is the key to increasing confidence and not the other way around. 

That said, if you have been experiencing distress to the point where it is consistently getting in the way of your relationships or day-to-day functioning please do not hesitate to seek help. A mental health professional can help you through this challenging time and offer guidance in using these techniques.  

Written by Shauna Rosiechuk, Counselling and Clinical Services Registered Psychologist at the University of Alberta. Edited by Maddi Genovese and Suman Varghese, Counselling and Clinical Services Registered Psychologists. 

 

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Additional resources on how to feel less self-conscious around friends: