Dear Maddi,
I was deeply in love with my ex boyfriend but I broke up with him because I wasn't happy. He gave me a hard time since he didn't want to let me go. Suddenly I saw him in one of my classes, he came and sat right next to me and tried to talk to me saying the same things. It was a bit of a shock for me since I started remembering all those hard times I had a few months ago. It was heartbreaking. I keep thinking about the past and I don't know what to do. How do I get over these feelings?
Sincerely, Wanting to Move On
*This student letter was edited to remove identifying information.
Dear Wanting to Move On,
It sounds like you deeply cared about this guy, but that during the course of the relationship you realized you were no longer compatible. When we fall in love, we often invest our hopes and dreams into our partner, and we dedicate huge amounts of time and energy into the relationship. So it is no wonder that recovering from a break up can be very difficult especially if you continue to see and hear from your ex.
We have a wonderful read on this topic, but I am going to highlight some of the most poignant strategies here. They might not stop you from experiencing the pain of the loss, but they can help you move through the grieving process with compassion and care.
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Don't fight your feelings: If you ignore or suppress them, you will likely prolong the normal grieving process, and sometimes get stuck. Pay attention to your emotions and let yourself experience them. As painful as it is, allowing yourself to experience these feelings is what helps them decrease over time.
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Openly discuss your experience:Talking to your friends or family about your feelings is another powerful tool. It can help you come to some new understandings and help you feel less alone. You might discover that others have survived these same feelings, and that being in their presence helps you feel more connected and loved. The Peer Support Centre, a community broker with ACCESS Outreach, or Counselling and Clinical Services are also great options if you would like to talk to someone outside your circle.
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Write out your thoughts and feelings: It can be very helpful to journal about your experience. Writing out your feelings can be very freeing; it helps you gain a different perspective or offer you an opportunity to express yourself in an uncensored manner.
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Prioritize basic self-care: Make sure your basic needs are being met. You may not feel like eating but do it anyways, and try to make some healthy choices in what you eat. Give yourself ample time to sleep, particularly since this may be difficult for you and check out some helpful strategies if you are struggling to get some rest. Keeping up or starting an exercise routine can also improve your physical and psychological well-being.
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Indulge yourself: If there was ever a time to pamper yourself, it is after a break-up. Do something that will actively make you feel better. Indulge in whatever you enjoy. It might include: going to a special restaurant, going to a movie with a friend, having a hot bath, trying a massage, going on a short trip, buying something new, taking the weekend off, taking a yoga class or reading your favourite book.
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Don't rely on your ex for support or try to maintain a friendship: It's not helpful to depend on your ex after a break up, especially to help you overcome the pain of the relationship ending. It makes it a lot harder to get over someone if you continue to see them or try to stay friends. After a significant period (i.e., months) of no contact, a friendship might be possible, but wait until you no longer have romantic feelings for each other.
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Start dating again: There's no right time to start dating again.Don't jump right back in and don't wait forever. You do need to grieve the loss and discover what you can learn from the past relationship, but you also have to move on. Dating can help you see that there are lots of other possible connections out there, if you open yourself up to this possibility.
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STAY SAFE: And just in case you are concerned about your safety in any way or your ex's in the immediate moment, contact 911, or campus security. The Sexual Assault Centre, or Counselling and Clinical Services can offer direction in case of harassment or stalking, and Safe Walk can be arranged to accompany you to your residence if you are concerned about your safety when leaving campus.
Try to resist the temptation to criticize yourself for what happened or because you still have feelings about it. What you are feeling is normal and understandable. Trust the process, and take it one day at a time, gradually those intense feelings will begin to ease and you will be able to move on to new and more fulfilling relationships.
Great question!
Maddi
Written by Maddalena (Maddi) Genovese, Counselling and Clinical Services Satellite Psychologist for the Faculty of Science.
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